Inequality Posted August 31, 2020 Report Share Posted August 31, 2020 The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, ... Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water, and soon, Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inequality Posted August 31, 2020 Report Share Posted August 31, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inequality Posted August 31, 2020 Report Share Posted August 31, 2020 Your Duck is Dead-- A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."Your Duck is Dead-- 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steubenhoosier Posted August 31, 2020 Report Share Posted August 31, 2020 This is an old campfire joke from northern Wisconsin... Bear walks into a bar and says, “ give me a Budweiser beer.” Bartender replies, “ I cannot serve a Budweiser beer to a bear in a Baraboo bar!”😎 Bear responds, I demand a Budweiser beer! And if I don’t get one, I will kill the young lady sitting at the other end of the bar! Bartender is adamant. “I am sorry, but I cannot serve a Budweiser beer to a bear in a Baraboo bar!” With that, the bear attacked the woman and inflicted a mortal bite to her throat. The bartender immediately called the police. And the bear asked, “ but why, I was just being a bear in the Wisconsin wilds” The bartender replied, “I understand, that you were acting like any bear would. You are under arrest by the DEA. That was a bar bitch you ate!” 😃😙😃 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inequality Posted September 3, 2020 Report Share Posted September 3, 2020 THE SHOEBOX A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.' 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IUFLA Posted September 3, 2020 Report Share Posted September 3, 2020 (edited) 20 minutes ago, Inequality said: THE SHOEBOX A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.' I heard a variation of this one... A guy and a woman are to be married, but before the ceremony he makes her promise to never look into the trunk of his car and that he'll never lie to her, and she promises. On their 50th wedding anniversary, she finally says, "50 years. I'm going to look in the trunk of his car." She finds 3 ears of corn and a bag containing $10,000. So she tells him she looked. He says, "well, I promised I'd never lie about it, so here's what it is. Every time I had an affair with another woman, I bought an ear of corn." At first she was furious. Then, after thinking it over, she thought 3 times in 50 years isn't that bad, calmed down and asked, "what about the $10,000?" "Every time collected a bushel of corn, I sold it." Edited September 3, 2020 by IUFLA 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrflynn03 Posted September 3, 2020 Report Share Posted September 3, 2020 @btownqb Thought you might enjoy this. I seem to remember you mentioning boneless wings are chicken nuggets before. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IUFLA Posted September 3, 2020 Report Share Posted September 3, 2020 8 minutes ago, mrflynn03 said: @btownqb Thought you might enjoy this. I seem to remember you mentioning boneless wings are chicken nuggets before. I've had this argument with my son in law since we met 10 years ago! Took him to a wing place and he ordered boneless wings! I told him there's no such thing and it's been our battleground ever since... If he wasn't skilled in almost every facet of house construction including electrical wiring and roofing, adept at fixing any machine, including cars and bodywork, and a damned fine husband and father to my grandson, it mighta been a deal breaker... 2 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrflynn03 Posted September 3, 2020 Report Share Posted September 3, 2020 11 minutes ago, IUFLA said: I've had this argument with my son in law since we met 10 years ago! Took him to a wing place and he ordered boneless wings! I told him there's no such thing and it's been our battleground ever since... If he wasn't skilled in almost every facet of house construction including electrical wiring and roofing, adept at fixing any machine, including cars and bodywork, and a damned fine husband and father to my grandson, it mighta been a deal breaker... Wife grew up with vegetarians and never had wings before me. Started out with boneless then moved up to actual wings. Works out pretty good because I prefer wingettes and she likes the flats. She did start out eating them like a savage like this though. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
btownqb Posted September 3, 2020 Report Share Posted September 3, 2020 42 minutes ago, mrflynn03 said: @btownqb Thought you might enjoy this. I seem to remember you mentioning boneless wings are chicken nuggets before. First.. I shared this on every social media I have yesterday. Second.. he's not wrong. Boneless wings are in fact chicken nuggets. 🤣🤣🤣 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post DWB Posted September 3, 2020 Popular Post Report Share Posted September 3, 2020 65 year old man goes to his Dr for a physical and blood work. Doc tells him, "You're in fair shape for a man your age". Guy is a little concerned with Doc's comment and asks: "Will I make it to 85?" Doc asks: Do you smoke, drink, or use drugs? "No ! Never!" Doc: Do you engage in risky behavior like skydiving, scuba diving, rock wall climbing? "No ! I'm smarter than that" Doc: Do you eat a lot of read meat, fried foods? "No, my other doctor told me to eliminate those from my diet" Doc: Do you have a lot of sex, travel to far away places, drive fast cars? "No, not for quite some time now" Doc: Then why do you give a $hit? 1 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rico Posted September 4, 2020 Report Share Posted September 4, 2020 I don't often go that extra mile, but when I do it is because I missed my exit. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steubenhoosier Posted September 4, 2020 Report Share Posted September 4, 2020 Cannibal advertising at his “pot” as cannibals tend to do.. - Random tourist-$5 - Displaced volunteer- $10 - Lost missionary-$15 - Basic politician -$100 Cannibal customer inquires, “Why so much for the politician?” Cannibal cook replies, “ Because they’re so full of $h!t, it takes forever to clean them”🤪 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IUFLA Posted September 4, 2020 Report Share Posted September 4, 2020 A middle aged guy's wife went to the doctor the one day. Came home and said, "the doctor said I had nice breasts for a 50 year old." The guy says, "Oh yeah? What'd he say about your 50 year old @ss?" She responded, "Oh, your name never came up." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoosierhoopster Posted September 5, 2020 Author Report Share Posted September 5, 2020 20 hours ago, IUFLA said: A middle aged guy's wife went to the doctor the one day. Came home and said, "the doctor said I had nice breasts for a 50 year old." The guy says, "Oh yeah? What'd he say about your 50 year old @ss?" She responded, "Oh, your name never came up." I guess you’ve been talking to my wife 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrflynn03 Posted September 8, 2020 Report Share Posted September 8, 2020 (edited) $9 dollar bottle of liquor $2 lighter = entertainment for me. Check out that footwork. Lol Edited September 8, 2020 by mrflynn03 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rico Posted September 10, 2020 Report Share Posted September 10, 2020 We need to get BINGO out of the gambling halls and back in the church where it belongs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrflynn03 Posted September 10, 2020 Report Share Posted September 10, 2020 On 9/7/2020 at 10:30 PM, mrflynn03 said: $9 dollar bottle of liquor $2 lighter = entertainment for me. Check out that footwork. Lol YouTube sucks. That video was funny. Here's one that works..for now 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milehiiu Posted September 13, 2020 Report Share Posted September 13, 2020 BAD DAY?? THIS WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH 🤣 MOST EPIC FAILS BAD DAY?? THIS WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH 😂🔥 EPIC FAILS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jefftheref Posted September 13, 2020 Report Share Posted September 13, 2020 6 minutes ago, milehiiu said: BAD DAY?? THIS WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH 🤣 MOST EPIC FAILS BAD DAY?? THIS WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH 😂🔥 EPIC FAILS My friend don't you ever sleep? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milehiiu Posted September 13, 2020 Report Share Posted September 13, 2020 5 minutes ago, jefftheref said: My friend don't you ever sleep? One of my dogs woke me up to be able to go out side to do some "business". No biggie. Being retired.... I can nap anytime during the day. But.... the bigger question is...... What are you doing up.... so early ? LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jefftheref Posted September 13, 2020 Report Share Posted September 13, 2020 52 minutes ago, milehiiu said: One of my dogs woke me up to be able to go out side to do some "business". No biggie. Being retired.... I can nap anytime during the day. But.... the bigger question is...... What are you doing up.... so early ? LOL My wife yelled at one of our cats and woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep so I moved to the front bedroom so I wouldn't bother her. And being retired like you I can catch a few winks anytime. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rico Posted September 14, 2020 Report Share Posted September 14, 2020 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rico Posted September 16, 2020 Report Share Posted September 16, 2020 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rico Posted September 19, 2020 Report Share Posted September 19, 2020 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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